Dear Professor Brad Blackstone
My name is Lim Jia Ying, a first-year student studying civil engineering. The purpose of this letter is to introduce myself to you. I have graduated from Singapore Polytechnic, Diploma in Civil Engineering with Business together with Diploma Plus in Quantity Surveying.
My dad would bring me along to construction sites during school holidays and this was how I started to developed interest in civil engineering. I was fascinated to see tall cranes and machinery on-site and structures being built in a short period of time. Upon graduating from polytechnic, I was sure that I would want to be in this industry. Hence, I am here to further my studies in civil engineering at Singapore Institution of Technology (SIT).
In terms of strength in communication, I am a good listener and is able to respond appropriately when communicating with others. I have developed this strength during my previous job as I was always communicating with the client over the phone. I have been complimented by my supervisor and my client for being a good listener and able to respond appropriately when communicating with one another.
However, I am not good at public speaking. During presentations, I will feel anxious and eventually forget my lines even if I have prepared for the presentation. I am also not very confident with myself. Hence, I am very self-conscious with strangers as I fear of being teased or laughed at.
Therefore, the two goals that I want to achieve in this module is to achieve skills that can help me in both written and oral communication skills and also to overcome my fear of speaking in front of the class and have an improvement in my English language.
Best regards
Lim Jia Ying
Commented on: Zyn and Derrick
Edited on: 3 April 2020
Commented on: Zyn and Derrick
Edited on: 3 April 2020
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear JiaYing,
DeleteI am surprise to hear that you are able to get two Diplomas both related to construction industry as it is definitely not easy to learn engineering and quantity surveying at the same time. I really respect your courage to be able to complete it. Your letter is really descriptive and I enjoyed reading it.
I applaud you for your description of the fear you have when it comes to presenting. I must admit that I too have the same fear but I hope we will be able to get rid of it.
In general I feel that your letter is well written and descriptive, especially about your job experiences. However here are some minor errors that I found:
"I have been complemented from my supervisor..." the preposition used should be "by" and
"To overcome my fear in speaking in front of the class and also to have improvement in my English language..." You can change to "to improve" or "have an improvement" because your noun is missing a determiner before it.
I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.
Best regards,
Derrick
Hello Derrick
DeleteThank you for your comment. I will make necessary edit. Look forward to more comments from you in the future.
Cheer,
Jiaying
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Jia Ying. Firstly, I would like to appreciate you for taking the time to write this letter and for me to learn how you manage to develop your interest in civil engineering. I will root for you till the day you overcome your fears.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I would like to share my insights on how this letter can improve from a readers perspective. Please take a moment to read and do correct me if I am wrong :)
Content:
Scope of assignment: It seems to me that you manage to include all the points that we are tasked to write and it is within the word limit. Awesome job!
Organization:
Flow of idea is alright. I am suggesting that transitions can be further reduced.
Language:
Capitalisation:
- 1st paragraph, first sentence & 2nd paragraph, last sentence. I think that it should be written as "civil engineering" instead of "Civil Engineering".
- 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence. The word "Polytechnic" should be written as "polytechnic" unless you would want to specify the name which in this case is "Singapore Polytechnic".
Prepositions:
3rd paragraph, 4th sentence. "complemented from my supervisor", which should have been "by" instead of "from".
Grammar & Vocabulary:
3rd paragraph, second sentence."what other person", should have used "another" because person is a singular noun. "Other" is used for uncountable and plural nouns.
3rd paragraph, second sentence. You have written "have been complemented". I believe that you are trying to describe on how you are praised.Therefore, it should have been "complimented".
4th paragraph, 2nd & 3rd sentence. I am suggesting that an amendment from "would feel anxiety" to "will have the feeling of anxiety" or "will feel anxious".
Last paragraph, 1st sentence. "that could help" into "that can help".
Salutation:
"Best Regards". It should have been "Best regards".
Hello Zyn,
DeleteThanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate your detailed comments. I will look into my language. Look forward to more comments from you in the future.
Thank You,
JiaYing
Dear Jia Ying,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this fine letter. It's concise, generally clear and well developed. You cover the key points of the assignment. I appreciate, for example, learning that you see your father as a model in the way of a prospective career. Your writing also comes across with good clarity when you shift from one topic to another by using transitional phrases such as 'In terms of my communication strengths, I am...'
Finally, you provide fine details as you exemplify each comm skills strength and wakness.
Regarding language use, there are a few areas that you need to think about:
1. sentence structure
-- Since young, my dad would bring me > (wrong referent for the modifying phrase: this states that you were brought along when your dad was young) ?
-- Upon graduating from Polytechnic, I was sure that I would want to be in this industry hence I am here at Singapore Institution of Technology to further my studies in Civil Engineering. > (run on sentence & lack of comma) ?
-- for being a good listener and able to respond appropriately when communicating with one another. > (structure: use of subordination)
for being a good listener who was able to respond appropriately when communicating with others.
-- I am also not very confident with myself hence I am very self-conscious with strangers as I fear of being teased or laughed at. > (run on sentence) ?
-- To overcome my fear in speaking in front of the class and also to have improvement in my English language. > (fragment) ?
2. verb issues
-- am a good listener and is capable > (subject verb disagreement) ?
-- as I am always communicating with clients over the phone. > (verb tense)
-- -- goals that I would want to achieve > (tense) -- goals that I want to achieve
The good news is that nothing is written in stone and now you can revise your work.
I look forwrd to reading more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Professor Brad,
DeleteThank you for the detailed comments I really appreciate it. I have made some necessary changes to my formal letter. Hope that you can take a look at it.
Cheers,
JiaYing